Monday, February 07, 2005

Today, my theme is twats.

Yes it is, so watch how I seemingly effortlessly link my theme between several disparate items that have happened to me since I last posted, which is ages and ages ago (thanks Laura).

First I was at a Brighton party. It was some sort of Burns Night celebration…and a woman put her hand up my kilt. Ok, I wasn’t actually wearing a tartan pleaty skirty thingy but you get the point (I certainly did). We’d met, we’d drank wine, we’d chatted, we’d flirted, we’d drank more wine, we’d kissed, we’d drank more wine and…suddenly…my M&S ‘Truly you’ lingerie was getting a tactile examination. And, to add to my dilemma, the finger’s owner was suggesting that we adjourned to another, less public, room in the flat.

So what should I do? (By the way I’ve shared this drama with my g/f who took it surprisingly well). Right, what to do? My first thought was that old stand-up joke: a girl describing an encounter with a chap says: “ so I’m with this guy and he puts his hand up my skirt and I say: “ ‘ere tits first, what do you think I am – a slut?”

My second thought was a bit deeper (as her finger was getting). Back in the old days when I dated blokes there were set rules. What was happening to me this January night would have been described as ‘heavy petting’ and was therefore perfectly ok. Penetration with an erect cock was different and suggested some sort of commitment – if not marriage for life!

My third thought was: “So was this basically ok? Could we move into the spare bedroom and play around without endangering my steady relationship? It had taken my two long-term g/f’s a couple of dates and a good dinner before they literally got into my pants, so was I cheapening myself?

My fourth thought was: how would she react when she discovered that I wore M&S? God, and Sir Bob thinks he’s got problems with world poverty!
My fifth thought was: “you’ve done this before”
My sixth thought was: “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

Seriously, it’s odd with gay sex. Mostly it isn’t about penetration, it’s much more about mutual masturbation (this applies to guys too, so I’m told). So how important are random encounters and what is a proper relationship?

Questions, questions! But what really got me thinking was how different my attitude to life and sex was after my exposure to the Brighton effect. I used to be much more hyper about this sort of situation and now I’m comparatively relaxed. I really do act and think differently now which is why…

…my attendance at a media/marketing/advertising party with my g/f seemed so strange. After an hour I truly believed that the room was full of damp, flappy pink things in human form. And yet I used to work in marketing (until a couple of years ago) when I was Susie Bright, the cheery chirpy ‘suit’ networking the room.

Now, I’m Sadie Dark and although I’d made an effort to dress and act in a suitable manner no one was fooled. Something’s happened to me and I’m sure that the ‘business bunnies’; my g/f’s colleagues, clients and friends could sense it. My g’f’s a bit vague about our relationship and I don’t blame her. Her world is very straight in spite of a few gay guys coming out and being revealed as a rug-muncher wouldn’t help her climb up her career ladder (although it’s me who tends to be on the rug and she’s on top, but sexist marketing jocks don’t discriminate)

So I stood lost amidst the loud “Hallllooooooo’s” and “where are you nows?” and talk of WPP, BBH and GREY, all those names that were important once but shadows now.

At times like this I get amazingly mad urges. When asked for the 100th time which company I worked for I was desperate to shout out “actually I write rude stuff about facesitting and strap-ons”. Then drop my sensibly tailored trousers, bend the party host, (a particularly offensive financial exec called Melanie) over the sofa, investigate her ‘bottom line’ then introduce her to full on dirty girl lurrrrrrrve.

But, of course, I didn’t. What I said was ‘actually I used to be in marketing but now I’m a writer in Brighton” And I’d watch them instantly lose interest.

The best fun all night was when a bloke hit on me. This was going well (ok, not very seriously girls) but then I saw Susie Bright. Yes it was me, working the room, laughing at the crap jokes and brown-nosing the partying arseholes. That was me 4 years ago…urgggg!…appalling! It shook me up – what a twat I was. I focussed on the guy again.

Sorry Brighton muffia, he was quite fanciable and I realised I still had a taste for meat, as well as fish!

Talking of lady’s bits, (and yes, here comes the next link) I was having a drink with my great friend Ms Hastings, who was singing the praises of that seaside town. We get on really well, she, like my other best friend Ms Rude, is a kind of “fuckfree buddy’ – we look like we’re doing it but we aren’t.

So she’s singing the praises of Hastings. As well as the renovated prom, the new bars and caf├ęs near the fishing sheds she (knowing my interests) also mentions that she read in the local paper that the town hosts the largest family run on-line ‘sex toys’ shop in the UK – and it’s their 20th anniversary.

Family-run!! I loved that bit, imagine the conversation around the breakfast table:

“How many times do I have to tell you? You’ve ordered a delivery of 10-inch dildos when you know we need 12 inch!”

“Sorry Mum”

Well a 20th birthday is something to celebrate so on getting back to the flat I opened wide my Mac and stimulated the little button that always leads to an orgasm of porn.

So say hello to Magic Moments on . Amongst the usual stuff of vibrators, anal beads, cock rings, clitoral stimulators and sexy bunny and devil outfits in un-natural fibres that give you rashes in delicate places, my imagination is caught by the offer of vibrating panties.

I read: Cleverly designed 100% Polyamide thong with concealed vibrator unit and attached control box. Vibrator is multi speed and thong is available in black or red.(I know where the vibrator goes but where do you conceal the control box???)

Well, and I thought my life was full. But my decision between black or red was postponed when I spotted ‘realistic vaginas’.

I had to look and I wasn’t disappointed. Here’s Barbie`s Fanny, a realistic real feel vagina, that will easily fit into any pocket, so that when the mood takes you, off you go! Has a lovely receptive entrance with enticing latex nodules inside to give added stimulation…all this and its just £10.99

Latex nodules, so that’s what we’re missing girls! And to make us all feel even more inadequate there’s a selection of ‘porn stars realistic Vaginas and Asses’.

Ok they’re perfect, no spots, moles, stubble or flabby bits - in fact they truthfully are a bit shiny and unreal. However, and trust me on this, they’re actually not as plasticy as a porn star’s real V&A.

First we had Crystal’s Salsa Shaker vibrating ass. I quote - here is Crystal’s (who she?) ultra soft, tight fitting vibrating ass. Fantastic Value! So tight you will think it’s the real thing! Some satisfied users say it is better than the real thing! (how would you know unless you were very, very close to Crystal? But I’ll take their word for it)The special cyber skin type material is soft just like real skin. If you enjoy the feeling of a tight anus(and go on admit we all do, don’t we) then you will be delighted with the satisfaction that Crystal can give. The multi speed control allows you to choose the level of pleasure you want.

Or there’s the Hustler Honey Buns pussy and ass, modelled on the Porn Star Kristi Myst (I’m not familiar with Ms Myst’s body of work either) Cum Taste The Honey!, it says. Two deep satisfying holes waiting for an eager cock!

Or there’s Penthouse Pet Alexus Winston’s dual Entry V&A, modelled directly from Alexus the gorgeous Penthouse Babe’s pussy and anus. Made in Cyberskin to give the ultimate experience in stimulation. Cyberskin is like real flesh(apparently), once you`ve tried the Cyberskin feel you won’t want anything else!

I bet. Hey, these must be really popular because the family behind the olde sex shoppe in Rock Close, Hastings claim over 1,250,000 customers a year. It got me thinking, there’s a real market here but you’d need a gimmick.

So how about the Sadie Dark realistic but practical V&A? You can use it to satisfy your most disgusting perversions, then after a quick rinse under the tap hang it on the kitchen wall. Here it’ll do sterling service as a handy kitchen roll holder and beer bottle opener.

What do you think?

Love & miaow Sadie


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