Can fucking be funny?

Hi,

Here's a thought: can or should the act of love raise a laugh? Of course we know it happens all the time in real life. Sex is full of funny noises from piggy grunts to full blown fanny serenades. And what about those ridiculous 'ass over elbow' positions we find ourselves in? Let's admit it, we've all got the giggles between the sheets, even during the most passionate shagging.

But what if it was happening between the sheets of a book? Can eruptions of laughter be combined with erotic writing? Many would say no and would use examples of the great classics. There aren't any (intentional) laughs in Venus in Furs, Fanny Hill, The Story of O etc. Well no, but surely it's possible to poke a bit of fun into porn. Putting books aside for the moment look at porn videos(go on,I know you do!). Everyone in them is very serious while they're seriously at it but just imagine if you added some inappropriate music or sounds to those 10 minute epics on Xhamster, Red Tube and Xvideos. A slice of the 'Benny Hill' theme, for instance, would really cheer up those relentless group sex gropings. And pop a 'squeaky door' sound onto a furious pumping scene and it would be hard not to smirk.

So why can't literary fucking be funny? My book 'Felicity Does Fetish' tries to do this and I think it works (of course I would, wouldn't I?). After all most aspects of life from birth to death, including murder, adultery and war, have have been humorously treated by authors throughout the centuries so why not 'the act'? Well, I've given it my best and you can judge for yourself when it's published...

...did I say 'when'? I should really have said 'if' because, at the moment, it seems unlikely to be gracing Amazon or Waterstone's unless I self-publish. Keeping to the subject of humour trying to get published is definitely unfunny. I'm on a website that helps new authors and they list the names of literary agents. They also ask writers to review how these companies treated them. The responses are split into 'negative' and 'positive'. Well you can guess the negative ones but the positive reviews amused me. 99% of them congratulated the agents for turning them down - politely! However I'm not giving up until I get that orgasmic grunt of success. Back soon.

Love & kisses Sadie xxxx

Susan's Secret Night Out. Her friends wouldn't believe what she gets up to!

Fun Sexy Erotica - Susan's Secret Night Out

Well, well I'm soooo pleased. This is my first short story published on the deliciously sexy Oysters & Chocolate website run by the deliciously sexy Jordan and Samantha. If this gives you a taste for absolute naughtiness you must try some of the other decadent delicacies on O&C. I couldn't stop reading, but then I'm a greedy girl.

Love & kisses Sadie xxxx

Hi,

There’s been a lot of talk recently about preventing kids accessing porn on the Internet. A whole orgasm of serious ‘glasses and no make-up’ sexperts and several publicity seeking MP’s have been pressing to change the way Internet Providers offer safeguards.

Currently parents can decide to block porn sites if they wish and the providers give them ‘button’s’ to do this. The Nanny No-funs want porn sites to be automatically blocked by the Internet providing companies so that adults have to apply (and give information) so that they can be ‘given’ access by their provider.

Now this has undertones of Big Brother (and I mean the Orwell version, of course). I’m sure PC Plod when they’re not ignoring burglaries will be interested in these details. As will employers, news organizations and god know who else? Fortunately, providers like BT are currently saying “No”.

So fascist states apart, what’s my problem. Well, like most sensible people, I’m obviously against underage sex, pedophiles and real violence on the Internet. But is sex the worst thing we can let children watch? Just look at what parents let them see on the cinema and TV.

Why is a man sticking his cock in a woman bad, but a man sticking a knife into a woman ok? Now I know the latter is acting but today the simulation is so good. Gruesome killing, torture, blood, gore, corpses etc are on most multi-plexes most weeks and the kids love them. Most TV schedules are packed with cop shows, dull procedures spiced with bodies and serial killers. And what’s this fascination with forensics all about? Naked corpses on slabs, body parts in ‘butcher shop detail’ and more obscene deaths yet Silent Witness etc is extremely popular with sensible adults, most parents, who probably don’t mind their kids watching with them. My friends think ‘Dexter’ is great. He’s a twisted serial killer who cuts up other serial killers. “What are you thinking?” I say. “Oh it’s so funny” they say. Well I think it’s them that’s a bit funny!

But it’s not this perverse viewing that’s being regulated it’s the naughty stuff. It denigrates women they say. Well tell that to the millions of women around the world who get a healthy thrill watching porn with their partners. It’s the perfect little bit of titillation before the ‘act’, so to speak. Of course, anything that becomes an obsession is a bit worrying but like food and drink most people can regulate their porn consumption without too much trouble.

And unlike Hollywood and TV Porn is in no way age, race or body conscious. Apart from the plastic people and the muscle mary’s, there are old, fat, thin, black, Asian…the list of shape, size and colours goes on and on and I haven’t go round to genders yet.

So people have choice. If you feel the ‘adult professionals’ are being exploited watch amateur stuff. Everybody wants to be famous fuckers (for 15 minutes, if you’re lucky girls!)
Porn’s been around for millenniums and unlike the other P’s, power, priests, possessions and politics no one’s been massacred over it. So please regulators, leave porn alone and focus on the real dangers to our kids – snack manufacturers, booze companies and Justin Bieber!

Love & kisses Sadie (just about to have a peep at Xhamster) xxxx

Hot sunny sex on a rainy day

I'm sitting here staring out at the cold rain sweeping along the Brighton pavements and shoppers huddled like old women fighting the storm...

... but I'm dreaming of a hot sunny afternoon on the beach.

The woman passed me at this time every day on her walk up and down the beach. She idly paddled along the shore, a typical American mum, (but a bit of a Meg Ryan look-a-like) in her typical one piece bathing suit. I noticed her studying me as she passed by so I studied her too and liked what I saw. The first time our eyes met, she said "Hi" and carried on, I watched her go, she had a really nice bum. Next day she added 'How you doing?" The next time she stopped and said:

"Hot enough for you?"

"It's really a bit too hot" I replied. She was staring intently at my face, and my body. But that's what woman do so I didn't pay it much attention.

"You British?" she asked smiling

"I am, is it obvious?" I said to the eternal question when you open your mouth in the States"

"Cool, I just love your accent"

She came over and sat on the wooden fence that surrounded my beach house, just opposite to where I was relaxing on my lounger.

We talked of her trip to London, shopping, that sort of thing. And all the time her eyes were closely examining parts of my body. Then in that great straightforward way Americans have, she suddenly said:

"You're very brave wearing that bikini"

"Why?" I replied, a bit surprised at the sudden change in our chat.

"It's..." she raised her eyebrows, "it's...very revealing, you know?"

It was hot and I was feeling a little horny so I decided to make a pass. If it failed she'd go off in a huff but so what, I was going home in a couple of days.

'It probably is, but so's your one piece"

Now she was puzzled.

"How so?"

"Well Darling, your safe but tight fitting one piece is revealing the shape of your lovely tits, particular the nipples that are clearly pleased to see me. And your great ass is nicely defined and well, from how you're sitting, I can see the outlines of your pussy almost as if you were naked!"

"Oh" she said, a hand rather sweetly moving down to shield the plump rippled mound between her thighs.

I waited, smiling at her and cheekily licking my lips.

She got down from fence and stepped closer to me. She was smiling now.

"And do you like what you see?" she said teasingly.

"You bet" I whispered, reaching out and holding her hand.

"Well, what do you want to do about it honey?"

I smiled at her and licked my lips again, this time in an OTT way.

She laughed. "Well hun, I can see just about everything you've got...and I like it too"

I twisted around and opened my legs wide, so that my tiny bikini "V" barely covered my modesty. I can play the slut when I want too and I fancied corrupting this nice American mum. Meg's gaze was fixed on my flaps.

So I stood up, looked around and saw the beach was empty. Fuck, it was time to live and love a little more dangerously. So I unclipped my bra,undid the strings of my pouch and stood naked before Meg.

"Now you can see absolutely everything... so what are you going to do about it"

Meg looked around but when she was certain we were alone she relaxed a bit and got sassy again.

"I just love those white bits"

"Yea" I replied, "they clearly mark the fun places...I really love to see your white bits...wanna play?"

"Sure, but unlike you Brits, we're a bit old fashioned about these things so can we go inside?"

I turned and walked into my lounge area making sure I swung my ass provocatively.
Meg followed and stopped inside.

"Ok Sadie", she said, "let's do this but do you agree anything goes"

"Sure Darling, anything you want" I casually replied...oooops!

I didn't want to waste time so I locked my lips to her lips and my hands to her ass cheeks. Her hands wandered uncertainly up and down my back and finally decided on the white bits of my big bum. We kissed and groped for several minutes, then she broke away.

"Give me a minute honeybun"

"Sure Darling" I said, wondering why. Perhaps the excitement had affected her bladder or she wanted to 'freshen herself up' as our cousins say. I went looking for some wine so didn't notice the phone in her hand.

When she came back I decided it was time to get that one piece off.It had a tiny zip and was a bit of stretch over her hips but it soon hit the floor and she was naked too.

She had a much better colour than me which emphasized the tan lines. She'd obviously once worn much briefer swimwear as the white bits merely focused my attention on her very suckable nipples and that gorgeous V between her thigh. I turned her around, knelt down and kissed the white V across her ass crack, then I bit her and felt her jump.

"Oh God" she moaned. I spread her ass and my pink tongue sought out her pink bits.

"Oh my God" she cried out now and I wondered if I was going too fast. This could be her first time with a woman and I didn't want to come on like Vulvina, The Cannibal Queen of Lesbos! So I got up and sucked on her nipples and liked the salt off her tits like a good girl and Meg seemed to relax, and get turned on at the same time, so that was good.

She had a great sexy body created by the great US lifestyle, big healthy tits and a fantastic soft squeezable, bury-your-face-in ass. She was a tiny bit overweight (but that was sexy too) No doubt her cunt would be prime American meat too.

I was hoping to encourage her to start a feeding frenzy on me but she seemed content to let me make the pace. Ok, that could be fun too so it was time to get her lengthways.

I led her to the couch and pushed her back onto it. Then I buried my head between her thighs. Which was why I didn't hear Tom come in!

'Hi Honey"

"Hi Babe"

They had loud voices and that cut in over my sucking sounds. It was my turn to be shocked. I got up and found myself facing a man in shorts with a large camera case over his shoulder.

"Hi, Sadie, this is my husband Tom"

"What the fuck?" I said, losing my cool. But a woman caught mid-muff diving and now standing naked has lost all her authority.

"Look hun" said Meg, suddenly firm, and although also naked,rather in control,"we agreed anything goes, so I'm happy to do any fucking thing you have in mind...as long as Tom watches and, oh yes, films it, you don't mind do you?"

"Well, I..I.." I stammered, so goodbye Ms Cool Brit.

Meg came up and put an arm around me. Two naked woman having a conversation on the sofa whilst Tom set up his movie camera.

"Tom and I have a kind of open marriage if you know what I mean? I like a lot of things outside of, you know, husband/wife stuff. So we've done swingers parties, my girlfriends and me have had a couple of those big black guys in hotel rooms, you know? But although the girls and I have played around some I've never been with a real, you know, lesbian"

I was about to say "Excuse me, I'm not a lesbian I'm bi-sexual" but in this company and in my English accent it would have just sounded silly.

"Ok babe, I'm ready" said Tom.

And I saw I was looking at the critical eye of a Samsung something or other. Tom's words stirred Meg into action and she suddenly found my nipples fascinating.

"Suck on them baby" directed Tom.

Meg did as obeyed. Then Tom got closer and his ideas took off.

He filmed us in position 69. With Meg feasting on my asshole and me working away somewhere below her.

"Don't worry, Tom ensures your face won't be too obvious" Meg gasped reassuringly.

"Stick your tongue deep in her hole" Tom advised, then he devised a new scenario.

So I found my face now squashed under Meg's big soft butt and too think that's what first attracted me to her!

"Rub your cunt into her face, stop her breathing", Tom was getting excited. But Meg was a kinder person and for a second her ass cheeks moved off my face and I turned to breathe in deeply. Tom was very excited, a fact that was confirmed by the fat cock in his hand being vigorously agitated so I....

...I've stopped dreaming in my Brighton cafe and again focused on damp streets rather than damp sheets. I'm looking at my computer screen.

Gotta finish my story..

Love & Kisses Sadie xxx

Well hello,

I've noticed that people accessing this blog are now met by this stern warning:Some readers of this blog have contacted Google because they believe that this blog's content is objectionable They are then invited to press ahead fearlessly or run away screaming.

Cripes! Moi-objectionable? Louche perhaps, salacious maybe, a touch up the naughty side of the street you might say but something people might object to, like spitting in the street, Keira Knightley or beards? No that's just too too tearmaking!

So before I retire to sob quietly in my bedroom here's something I wrote for a fan site a year or so ago. It's about a dream, a well known and highly renowned singer/author/film director and lot's of healthy activity. What could possibly be objectionable about that?

Madonna’s Nude Massage by Sadie Dark

Last night I dreamed that I gave Madonna a massage. I work in a famous health and beauty salon in Knightsbridge. I've been there for two years and am one of their most experienced masseuse. I have famous clients and although I am very professional I have to admit that the sight of their naked bodies gives me a thrill, particularly the women.

I hear her before I see her. Her accent cuts through the posh English atmosphere.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"I'm sorry Madam…"

Now it's the voice of the manager,

"… but Claire has been involved a car accident on her way to work"

She's persistent: "But I always have Claire, shit! why wasn't I told?"

I hear the manager's voice calm and reassuring.

"It happened this morning, we couldn't reach your mobile and your PA said you had already left"

"Shit - now what am I going to do?"

I peek out of my room. She's standing there facing the manager. Her back is turned to me but I catch my breath.

Her hair, worn long, gleams as it falls down past her shoulders, my eyes move down, past her tight silk shirt to her bum, perfectly displayed in tight satin combat pants. Her hands rest aggressively on her hips and as she shifts the weight her bum cheeks move sensually beneath the thin fabric.

The manager catches sight of me and says something quietly. The beautiful hair starts to turn and one of the most famous faces in the world looks angrily in my direction.

The manager leads her over talking in her reassuring way.

"Sadie is one of London's leading masseurs. I'm sure you'll find her every bit as expert as Claire"

I'm looking nervous but I expect she's used to that in all the people she meets for the first time.

She's looking unimpressed. But the manager continues, delivering what she considers will be the most persuasive argument.

"Sadie has many other famous clients: Kate...Naomi...Gwyneth…and Britney books her solid whenever she's in town"

The beautiful eyes soften. She looks at her watch. Her luscious lips part into a hint of a smile. She looks at me, stares into my eyes, sees something she likes and then speaks:

"Ok, lets go"

She brushes past me into my small treatment room and I close the door She walks over to the table and leans provocatively against it.

Her lips are moist and gleaming. She folds her arms under her tits and her nipples press through her silk shirt. Her tight pants enhance her long legs and as she moves the fabric is caught suggestively in the V of her crotch. She speaks, in a rather teasing manner:

"OK Sadie, Claire knows what I like, how about you?”

"I have Claire's notes" I reply seriously. She smiles and says softly:

"OK let's begin"

I reach for a towel and indicate the dressing room. But she just laughs.

"I haven't got fucking time for all that"

With that she unbuttons her shirt and slips it off. She's wearing a plain white bra, simple but perfect when set against her toned, tanned flesh. She reaches behind her and the bra falls away. Her tits are stunning, still firm with big sexy nipples that are already aroused.

I'm breathless, desperately trying to say calm and professional. Of course, I've seen her naked, everybody has, in books, magazines and movies. But this is so different, she's just inches from me, I could almost reach out and touch her.

And, lets face it, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

She's very matter of fact. She slips off her trainers and unbuckles her belt. Then she slides the pants off. She straightens up to put the pants over a chair and gives me a view of her white thong. I can't take my eyes off the V shape, pure white against her tanned skin and filled out with her plump mound. For a second, I forget where I am and get that wonderful feeling between my thighs.

I come to and she's staring at me. She's giving me a quizzical smile that I'm sure many favoured men have witnessed - and maybe a few women.

But then she reaches down and the thong is off. She's almost completely shaved with just a thin 'landing strip' of pubic hair. She poses for a minute, her eyes are locked on mine and her lips still form that teasing smile. Then she sits up on the table, swings her legs over and lies back.

Completely naked, relaxed and waiting for me to give her a full body massage.

I have my own special blend of oil. I walk behind her and ask her to sit up. She slips a band over her hair and I begin to massage her shoulders. I pour the oil in my hands and work at the muscles. I'm good and within minutes she's sighing gently.

I take my time but soon I've finished her neck, shoulders and arms. She lies back and I carefully start on her face. I know every place to apply pressure and she's now totally relaxed. But my finger brushes her full lips, and they part, wet and succulent, I leave my finger there for less than a second, her eyes open and she's gazing intently at me. She smiles and then relaxes again and quietly speaks:

"I think you could be better than Claire"

"Thank you" I say feeling flustered. I need more oil so I go over to my case. As I bend to open it I hear a little giggle. Her voice sings out teasingly:

"Hey Sadie, you're a bit of a dark horse. You look so fucking proper in that fucking nurses' outfit"

I stand up and turn, looking puzzled. She's leaning over and smirking at me.

"But underneath that starchy outfit I can spy a naughty little thong...tell me your secrets Sadie" and she giggles again.

That bloody uniform, we're always complaining that you can see through it but the management (mostly male) don't care.

But then I look at her and see that she's flirting with me and, suddenly, I feel sexy. My tarty thongs have been my secret, my rebellion against the stiff atmosphere of the salon, and now I'm sharing it with...her.

I take more oil into my hands and cup her right tit. The nipple is unashamedly erect but, as I gently massage the taut skin around her pinky-brown circles, it seems to swell even more. The oil slowly dribbles down its length and I catch it between my finger and thumb and slide the oil off. As I gently pull on her nipple and release it I hear her sigh.

Now both her breasts glisten with oil. My hands mould them and pinch them and my thumbs circle the tips of her nipples.

Oil trickles between her tits and runs down over her belly. I lean across to catch it and my sleeve rubs against her skin. Her eyes jerk open.

"What the fuck was that? I'm getting really relaxed and then I feel that shit against my skin"

"I'm sorry" I say, trying unsuccessfully to roll my sleeve up.

She glares at me and snarls.

"I didn't pay to be rubbed down with fucking cheap cloth...take it off"

"Sorry?"

"Take the fucking thing off or I'm out of here"

I pause, think, then - what the hell? Just the slide of a zip and then the whole boring uniform slides to the floor. I have quite small tits so I don't wear a bra.

So, except for a pale pink thong with a little diamond above my arse crack I'm now standing there - naked in front of Madonna.

She looks me up and down and blows me an ironic kiss. Then giggling she turns over on the table so I can do her back.

I pour the oil into the little dip just above the rise of her buttocks. I smooth it over her back and work on the muscles. As I put my weight into digging deep into the tissue I lean across her and my nipples brush against her back. This happen several times, she wriggles with pleasure and the sensations in my nerve-endings almost cause me to lose concentration.

Now I'm covered in oil too - and sweat. Is it my strenuous actions or the proximity of my nude idol? I'm not sure but what happen next really gets me glowing.

I trickle oil into the crack of her arse. I watch her cheeks move sensually as the warm liquid reaches, first, her anus then the outer lips of her cunt. With the flat of my hand I massage first her right cheek then her left one. Her bum is firm and toned. The skin is beautifully elastic and my fingers dig into the soft rubbery flesh. I now manipulate each cheek and as they part I glimpse her tight pinky-brown arsehole.

The intimacy of this moment shocks me. This is a sight reserved for lovers and now it's mine. I feel moistness between my thighs, my thong feels tight, forcing apart the swelling lips of my cunt.

In the heat of this moment I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. My finger drenched in aromatic oil investigates the opening of her anus and within seconds is sucked in. I pump the finger slowly as the tight walls try to grip it.

She reacts, her buttocks clench, but then as my finger sinks deeper she relaxes and gives a long low moan. Lubricated with oil, I slip a second finger into her greedy arsehole and rhythmically fuck her.

Her cunt lips gleam. It could be oil but I'm sure it's juice. I can't believe it, little old me with my small tits, big bum and bandy legs - and I'm stimulating the sexiest woman on earth.

She moans again and her thighs part. Her cunt is totally beautifully and I'm drawn to it. I trace the edge of her lips with my thumb until I find the hood and reveal her clit. It rises to my touch as my thumb ever so gently massages it. I lean closer and closer and replace the sensation of my thumb with the touch of my tongue. My tongue bathes in her moist lusciousness, it finds her clit and teases it.

Her movements once languorous become more violent. She gasps and her buttocks squirm with pleasure. Then she turns over, her legs wide, her cunt thrown open to me. I move round to greedily gorge myself.

And then her hand moves upwards.

I feel it blunder up my oily legs, grab at my bum, then find its target between my legs. A rude finger forces my thong aside and slips up into my juicy cunt.

The sensation of pleasure forces me upright. I feel like I'm pivoting on her searching finger. But then she speaks huskily:

"Let's do 69, lets both have a fucking good time, 69 eh babe?"

I slip off my thong, walk around to the top of the table and climb on. Her gleaming brown body lies before me and it's all mine to enjoy. I kneel above her face and then lean forward towards her splayed legs.

As I go to bury myself in her cunt I sink down and my arse rests on her face. She grabs my cheeks and pulls them apart and her tongue tickles that place of ecstasy between my arsehole and my cunt. My tongue slips into her and her tongue slips up into me. Our oiled bodies move together then stretch, then tighten, while our moans intermingle as we lose ourselves in lust. And then the door opens.

Naked and exposed, we both look up. The door opens more and Cameron Diaz walks into the room. Dressed in a towelling robe, she stops and coolly surveys us. She smiles, lets her robe drop to the floor and steps towards the table…

...but that's another dream!

Sadie Dark ©

There, just a bit of fun. Fortunately Google take a very adult view to all this and cheers for them.

Back soon.

Love & Kisses Sadie xxxxx

I'm really back this time - promise

Hi,

Ok,I know, I've been threatening to start this blog again for months/years. But now, after I've got over a spot of illness (boring) I'm back in rude health. Well rude anyway, as usual - but that's the way you like it.

Love & Kisses Sadie xxxx

Between the sheets

I know the sheets I'm usually talking about are linen (if I'm lucky) or more likely from the IKEA sale. But the action this time is literary rather than lusty and so the sheets are paper. Yes, I'm on the last chapter of my book - at last...amazing...never thought she'd finish it..are those flying porkers etc etc. But it's true, I'm almost done. It has taken a long time that's for sure. But there's been those months when I was too busy earning a living or been ill or truthfully just given up.

There's always that feeling that writing a book is a bit of a fantasy (and everyone's got a half finished one in a drawer) But as I sit here all those chapters and all those "sheets" are on my Mac. Morgan (my co-writer) has been equally caught up doing other stuff but now he's a little less busy flogging crap on TV (that's advertisingese for out of a job) he can apply his humorous hand to our opus.

Now we need an agent. It's hard to know who'd be interested in promoting a no holds barred romp about the world of S&M. Is there anyone out there who could help? Otherwise we'll just trawl the interet for the right literary shark (in the nicest possible way of course)

I'm actually in France at the moment (at my friends). I really haven't been well recently and so my life has been full of trauma but free of sexual partners - boring!

I think it's time to get out into our late summer and make some hay! Or plough some bushy meadows! Or linger in lady gardens! See even my sexy metaphors are literary now!

Love & Kisses

Sadiexxxx