Thursday, May 10, 2007

Blog off but strap on

Oh God, months pass and my blog is blogged down. Ignored and unloved by me as I desperately try to finish my book.

How I admire (and hate) those smug bluggers who manage to write something new every day. Where do they get the time? Whilst they sit polishing some amusing paragraph I’m desperately trying to stay awake and concentrate on my plot lines.

To keep my hand in I wrote some stuff for UKAuthors but then I had a bad conscience thinking that instead of parading my talent on other sites I SHOULD BE FINISHING MY FUCKING BOOK.

So I ignored UKAuthors and the chance to write some filth for a sexy American site that actually pays you!!!!! – and chained myself to my Mac.

Of course, Morgan (my co-writer and provider of wit) helps but he’s just about submerged in a torrent of shit call Reckitts. They’re a huge company that markets Nurofen, Strepsils, Vanish, Lemsip and Calgon. And when I tell you that the ranting wanker on Chilit Bang is one of their more sophisticated ads you’ll understand why Morgan, whilst deeply busy, is also deeply depressed. He calls them Wreckitts after what they do to his scripts.

However my debts and his need to escape from Wreckitts should be a great incentive to finish our tome. It’s just a matter of time – or the fucking lack of it.

Talking about fucking (and now some of my readers will suddenly start paying attention) it’s been a very active month or two.

Thinking about it, maybe if I’d spent as much time bent over the computer as I have been bent over the bed/kitchen table/somebody’s knee, I might have been more productive in a literary way. But there you are – tempest fukit!

I’m still with Ms Hastings. I’m amazed after my past relationships record but she seems to be still in lurrrrrrrve with me. Of course, we can only be together occasionally – but when we are they are definitely occasions.

She loves sex as much as I do and is keen to experiment. And as Hastings (where she lives) has the World’s Greatest Family Sexshop she often turns up with little turn-ons.

But lately she had been unfaithful to her home town’s wicked wares and has taken to ordering stuff from – a site for women by women.

It’s a fun site and I only wish, on behalf of my sex, that they were as painstaking with their spelling and punctuation as they are with the choice of products. Here then, are a few that caught my eye (I’ve left the copy unchecked):

How about Blueberry Cheesecake flavoured lube? I quote…

“…O'My favoured lubes contain all the trusted ingredients of a natural lubricant, but add a succulent and fruity twist to your sex play! Flavoured lubruicants are ideal for intercourse and oral sex - and of course a little of both and then some... O'My Flavoured lubricants contain no artificial flavours or colours, just good clean yummy fun. If that wasn’t enough they're low calorie and sugar free too.”

Or what about the Ecstasy Lounge.

This has to be seen or rather sat on to be believed. It’s a large pink plastic cushion with a 6” vibrator. I quote:

“Unusual but great fun. This inflatable cushion comes with a built in, 6"multi-speed vibrator for the ultimate in bouncy castle fun. The two handles mean that you can really get to grips with it. Think of it as a space hopper for grown-ups.”

Of course, in Brighton on a sunny Saturday you see plenty of pink blobby things with cocks attached. But most discerning women wouldn’t want to get to grips with them and I’d be surprised if any of them could offer a 6” multi-speed, especially after a few lagers.

However what Ms Hastings had in mind was a simple strap-on. Now I’ve never felt the need of a strap-on. Like just about every woman I’ve got a Rabbit burrowed away for those special moments but even then I still prefer the personal touch at these times – and my fingers are well practiced.

As for being fucked by a strap-on, if I wanted a cock up me I’d be having affairs with men – it’s that simple.

But my delicious lover was keen to try one for size, so together we chose one. We considered the Xtra vibe strap-on (pictured above), I quote:

“Like a normal strap-on but better. this one has it all. The jelly shaft contains rotating balls for a lovley internal massage. On the top of the shaft is an independantly controlled vibrating egg, designed to stimulate the receivers cliterous. If that wasn't enough the wearer also gets a treat in the form of her own vibrating egg attached to the inside of the harness”

Hmmmm, a bit technical for us, and I, for one, couldn’t fuck with one without falling down laughing – so no points for the Xtra Vibe.

Instead we invested in a plain old pink jelly cock attached to a crotchless latex thong.

She had first go and that why I’ve been bent over to many things. I’ve had it jiggling around in my cunt and I’ve had it up my bum and, I’m afraid, it hasn’t made much of an impression. I still prefer my lover’s fleshy digits and tingling tongue

Then I had a go myself. I strapped it on and looked down at the rather obscene looking pink jelly cock, dangling below me.

Ms Hasting big bum is always enticing and as she leant over the bed I naturally felt excited whilst I directed the lubbed cock towards her. Which hole first, oh decisions, decisions. I spread her tanned cheeks, surveyed my pink playground – and plumped for her arse.

The cock pressed against her ring, I pushed and it easily slid in. Ms Hasting gasped and twitched. I waggled my bum and Ms Hastings gasped even more – it was certainly hitting the spot for her

And, well, I felt a bit of power as I hung onto her cheeks and pumped away. Oh god, penis power, not at all (so please no more insults from rabid feminists) but just a strange and rather pleasant feeling of power over my lover’s emotions. Of course I get it when I fuck her normally and naturally. But that stupid bit of wobbly plastic just seemed to amplify the feelings.

Odd but strapping good fun, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Love & Kisses Sadie