Tuesday, July 18, 2006

My vagina monologue

Am I the only person with one who thinks ‘The Vagina Monologues’ is the pits?

I was sitting in the theatre last week and, as a night out, it was a special treat from Ms Hastings my amazingly, ‘still-around’ lurvver. So I was determined to enjoy myself – and show it, because normally I’m not a laugh-out loud sort of person.

But…please! All around me middle-class Brighton women, pumped up on a few Bacardi Breezers from the theatre bar, were pissing themselves laughing, hooting like an American sit-com audience and shouting “cunt” at the top of their voice whilst generally behaving like one.

On the stage, that old slapper from ‘Birds of a Feather, some vague kid’s show host and a reject from a ‘Sugarbabes’ tribute band were delivering this mawkish trash as if it were Ibsen or Stoppard.

‘Twat’ they said, and the audience almost stormed the stage. “Cunt’ they repeatedly exclaimed, as if they were breaking some extraordinary taboo and the Brighton police might close the show down.

To be fair, some the serious stuff was well written and quite touching.

But that, I felt, wasn’t why the majority of the women were there. They had come for some sort of intellectual ‘hen night’ party. A chance to lose their inhibitions, shock their friends and say ‘tee hee’ rude words…in public ‘tee-hee’.

It’s rather sad. I can imagine this stuff working in New York where almost everyone is sewn-up about sex and their bodies and some people are positively puritanical. Look, they actually think ‘Sex and the City’ is pushing back the boundaries but it’s really as staid as Joanna Trollope compared with the ‘Wednesday Plays’ on BBC in the far off 70’s that my parents didn’t want me to see (and we giggled about at school next day).

But this was Brighton in 2006 and well…harrrrummmphhhh!

Plus what is all this ‘liberation’ shit about saying ‘cunt’? It’s what I’ve called mine ever since I first connected the word with the place. I think I, blushingly, said ‘vagina’ to my male doctor when I was very young but now I’ve got a female GP, it’s the C-word for me at all times.

I mean, is you don’t say cunt what do you call yours?

I felt like yelling this at the gurning girls in the Theatre Royal. But I didn’t because I’d already upset Ms Hasting by sitting their obviously not enjoying myself, with a mouth set firm like an unstimulated vagina.

Still next day we went to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and that was great. I snorted and hooted like…like…well like a Hove lady at a well – known play. We both love Johnny Depp and (done up like a sailor) even Keira Knightley would swing our hammocks.

However, I wanted to end this piece like I began it, with a reference to a cunt. But that would be extremely unfair to Orlando Bloom’s performance.

Love & Kisses succulent Sadie

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

At last, something else from that lazy cow

The sultry, pouting editrix of Rocks Magazine (you must read it by the way, it’s great fun and very informative) recently described me as having a ’crazy sex life’.

I was shocked. Is having a relationship with one other person crazy? It used to be blokes now it’s babes, and that’s all that’s different.

Maybe it’s the ‘one’ person that’s crazy. Ask Bill Wyman, the ex-Rolling Stones guy, he slept with over two thousand women, sometimes several at one go (or so he says). Still something must account for those bags under his eyes. Julio Ingleses apparently bedded several thousand more and, today, Colin Farrell appears to be grinding away to get the record back for the British Isles.

As for the girls, Grace Kelly apparently slept with every leading man in her many movies (although she did the leading I expect). Then Catherine the Great, the Russian Queen, allegedly, had rumpy pumpy with every man and officer in one of her regiments but, I‘ve heard stories about Jordan that makes that sound like a one knight stand.

Still those are just numerical. I still don’t think they rank as very ‘crazy’, unless you count the health implecations.

No, if you want crazy how about a woman I met when I was doing research for my book in a BSDM club (and yes it was research, my bum remained totally unlined)

This woman slipped off her cloak to reveal that she was naked. Ok, you might think, that’s just being polite in a BDSM club – but she wasn’t completely naked.

Her tits were clamped between two pieces of wood and her areolas had needles threaded through in a pretty circular shape – arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!

That wasn’t all. She had needles inserted in the skin of her groin in a ‘feather’ pattern too.

Why the fuck did she do this you might be sensibly wondering? Well, it’s because she loved her man.

She let him do this to her as a demonstration of how much she adored him. What – was – she – thinking – of?

Answer – she was thinking of him and his funny little ways. Plus she told me proudly that recently she got her kicks from him kicking her - and punching her.

She had a secret, soppy but rather smug smile when she told me this.


But, like Ester Rantzen used to say on ‘That’s Life’…if you know better please get in touch with me?

Love & Kisses Safe and boring Sadie