My vagina monologue

Am I the only person with one who thinks ‘The Vagina Monologues’ is the pits?

I was sitting in the theatre last week and, as a night out, it was a special treat from Ms Hastings my amazingly, ‘still-around’ lurvver. So I was determined to enjoy myself – and show it, because normally I’m not a laugh-out loud sort of person.

But…please! All around me middle-class Brighton women, pumped up on a few Bacardi Breezers from the theatre bar, were pissing themselves laughing, hooting like an American sit-com audience and shouting “cunt” at the top of their voice whilst generally behaving like one.

On the stage, that old slapper from ‘Birds of a Feather, some vague kid’s show host and a reject from a ‘Sugarbabes’ tribute band were delivering this mawkish trash as if it were Ibsen or Stoppard.

‘Twat’ they said, and the audience almost stormed the stage. “Cunt’ they repeatedly exclaimed, as if they were breaking some extraordinary taboo and the Brighton police might close the show down.

To be fair, some the serious stuff was well written and quite touching.

But that, I felt, wasn’t why the majority of the women were there. They had come for some sort of intellectual ‘hen night’ party. A chance to lose their inhibitions, shock their friends and say ‘tee hee’ rude words…in public ‘tee-hee’.

It’s rather sad. I can imagine this stuff working in New York where almost everyone is sewn-up about sex and their bodies and some people are positively puritanical. Look, they actually think ‘Sex and the City’ is pushing back the boundaries but it’s really as staid as Joanna Trollope compared with the ‘Wednesday Plays’ on BBC in the far off 70’s that my parents didn’t want me to see (and we giggled about at school next day).

But this was Brighton in 2006 and well…harrrrummmphhhh!

Plus what is all this ‘liberation’ shit about saying ‘cunt’? It’s what I’ve called mine ever since I first connected the word with the place. I think I, blushingly, said ‘vagina’ to my male doctor when I was very young but now I’ve got a female GP, it’s the C-word for me at all times.

I mean, is you don’t say cunt what do you call yours?

I felt like yelling this at the gurning girls in the Theatre Royal. But I didn’t because I’d already upset Ms Hasting by sitting their obviously not enjoying myself, with a mouth set firm like an unstimulated vagina.

Still next day we went to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and that was great. I snorted and hooted like…like…well like a Hove lady at a well – known play. We both love Johnny Depp and (done up like a sailor) even Keira Knightley would swing our hammocks.

However, I wanted to end this piece like I began it, with a reference to a cunt. But that would be extremely unfair to Orlando Bloom’s performance.

Love & Kisses succulent Sadie