And it's true, I have. But then you can't see what part of my body I'm pointing at - clue, it's not the top of my head. But seriously, most of my troubles lately have come with a pair of tits. In my former life, women were my friends and it was blokes who messed my emotions about, but now it's often the reverse.
Take the weekend. A little burst of unexpected joy led to a lot of grief and I found myself seeking out my mates, Calvin and Tommy. Frankly, what they know about women could be tattooed on their cocks, and it would still leave room for the Brighton Telephone Directory. However they're great listeners and, as we're all a bit girly, we bond.
After much conversation and cosmopolitans we agreed that women were odd birds. Think about this, for instance. Imagine you were a gay bloke (easy, if you live in Brighton) and you were walking down the street. Amazingly, every man you see is dressing sexily - little lycra shorts, tight white T-shirts, leather pants, painted-on jeans - imagine that? You wouldn't believe your luck or that tent in your pants! But,sadly, it's a fantasy, because one guy in a 100 may be hunky, but the rest are in baggy jeans/slacks/shorts/shirts/football tops/suits and are decidedly un-sexy.
However, imagine you're a healthy, average, pert-buttocked woman, like me for instance. And you're walking down the street, any street in Brighton or any other town for that matter. What do you see? Well, if they are under 30 you see porn-stars. Almost every woman has a tiny top - nipples proud, a tanned belly, and low slung pussy-hugging jeans like denim knickers with legs. It's true isn't it? Almost every young woman (str8 or gay) this summer has been a dyke's dream.
But, and here's the twist, how many actually knew this. I'm sure every woman knows what she's showing but do they understand the effect? My Lord, I suggest not!
And then look at the women who are totally unaware of their sexual allure. First, our gallant girls in blue.
If you've noticed a sudden increase in your area of chaps in stripey pullovers with bags marked 'Swag' over their shoulders it's because every police officer in the UK is in Brighton this week.
It's the New Labour Party Confer...sorry I fell asleep at my Mac. Anyway the whole city is buzzing with bill. We were watching some female officers harressing the hunt supporters and someone suggested that although the boys have come out, with Dep Ass Com Paddick leading a Pride parade, the girls stay in the community closet.
But, it follows that gay girls would fascinated by the fuzz just as they make up a large proportion of our female armed services. And let's face it, a PC with a pussy is verrrry attractive,
First, they wear a uniform: bum-hugging skirt and a tight blouse and tight leather belts and black tights and shiny buttons. And how about the rough gaberdine trousers and big leather boots? They'd go down (and come down) rather well at the Candy Bar. Then, there's the new double-ended 'truncheons', wow! Anne Summers could really penetrate the gay market with them!
And what about the handcuffs? Or the strip-searches and the tight latex gloves? - "Bend over Ms Dark, we believe you're hiding an elicit bottle of Jack Daniels"!
No wonder they're called the filth! But cops aren't alone, have you clocked the traffic wardens? Or, on the subject of unaware sexiness - the business bunnies.
They are about when you're just getting back from the club and I'm out jogging to the newsagent. That's right, business women on their way to work.
But,look at their executive suits. They may be conservative and dressed for success but the jackets are cut short and the material's lycra so they display a cute bottom line.
Final cheap cop gag: Sexy PC: "OK, Ms Dark, may I warn you that anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you"
Love & it's hard being lez Sadie